A letter to Jamie Lynn Spears

Dear Jamie Lynn Spears,

Congrats.  You are now officially on the fast track to out-trashing your older sister!

I can understand your need to step out from under her shadow….I too am the younger sister to a talented older sibling.  OK, so in my case its an older brother who was just a little too good at sports and became a bit of a local celebrity….not hard when you live in a small town.  You on the other hand have to deal with an international superstar sister who got by on tits and ass and not on talent.  Regardless, there are about 900 other ways you can make a name for yourself.  I think you were on the right track, having your own Nickelodeon show and all.  You REALLY didn’t have to go get knocked up.  Remember, just because everyone else in Hollywood is popping out children doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.  Babies are more than just a trend, sweetheart.

ErnieBot

A letter to “New York”

Dear Ms. New York,

So you chose Tailor Made. Of course you did…he’s the twat with the money.

I don’t want to watch your show. It’s really really awful. You do a damn good job of perpetuating the stereotype that women just want a man who will take care of them financially. You want someone who will buy you diamonds and shower you with fake adoration. I guess a TV dating show is the perfect place to find that.

Thing is, you have sucked me in with all you idiocity. I watched the damn show. I watched you continually choose sucker after sucker each week and in the end, you wind up with the spineless doof with the big bank account.

Let’s just see how long this one will last…..

ErnieBot

A letter to Rolling Stone Magazine

Dear Rolling Stone Magazine,

I just finished reading your top 100 songs of 2007 and I have to tell ya, that list sucks.

Yes, I understand, you have to cater to the hipster, the R & B-ers, the hip hop fanatics and the old people that used to read your magazine back in the day when it was good, but really?  Holloweenhead by Ryan Adams made your list?  Every song on that whole album is better than that one song.  Definitely NOT the highlight of his new album.  And I would’ve definitely gone with a different Wilco song.

But really, I’m just one girl, with one opinion.  You are a collective team of shit eating hipsters in ratty ironic t shirts and intentionally greasy hair that sit around and fling musical references at each other in a failed attempt to prove your indie cred.

ErnieBot

A letter to Disney

Dear Disney,

Why does everything you do wind up “on ice?”

I’m watching my local morning news and they’re “girl on the go” reporter is interviewing cast and crew members of “High School Musical ON ICE!”

I know there’s a ton of hub-bub surrounding these damned movies, but really? Does it translate that well to the ice?

PLEASE stop this! Enough is enough!

ErnieBot

A letter to the Creators of The Clapper

Dear Creative Team Behind the Genius that is the Clapper,

So, over the years you have developed various forms of your original Clapper product.  Now I’m recently seeing ads for your new Clapper Plus, which comes with a remote control.

OK, I understand the need for a remote…if your sitting down, feeding your baby like that uber-bitch in your commercial, then you may want to use the remote.  But my question for you is: why on earth would you want a remote to stick on your wall, much like the teenager in your ad does.

Isn’t a remote mounted on the wall pretty much the same thing as a light switch?

ErnieBot

A letter to My Readers

Dear Readers,

As you can see, I haven’t been keeping up to date on my blogs and I just want to take this time to apologize for being so neglectful.  I find that during the month of December, I tend to get very nasty and mean about everything, mainly because i have a real problem with the holidays and it causes me to be a bitch about everything.   I hate writing letter after letter after letter geared towards my disgust for whatever celebrity and/ or pop culture item has pissed me off that day.

So I’ve let the posts wain a bit and I am sorry for that.

I have been working on moving ErnieBot over to a blogger blog so I can keep all my blogs under wraps.  (You can also check out my personal blog at www.erinsteen.com)  I’m still a bit torn about moving it since wordpress is a fantastic host for my blog, however I do love the features I can get with a blogspot blog, so I’m going to pretty much just copy ErnieBot over and try it out for a little bit before I decide if I want to move over there permanently.

In the meantime however, you can still catch my tyrannical rants here…I’m not ditching you yet!

I love each and every one of my silly readers!  Thank you for all your support!

ErnieBot

A letter to Old Navy

Dear Old Navy,

Please stop with the commercials!!!!!  Or at least find a different song for the pimping of your products.  Whoever who have wailing throughout those 20 second spots sound like a yodeling cat being castrated.

That warbling doesn’t make me want to buy metallic jeans and sweater boots….it makes me want to put my bare fist through the TV.

STOP IT!

ErnieBot

A letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Ms. Simpson,

You are incredibly irrelevant.  You sing crappy songs, you are an even crappier actress, I can’t understand why your head moves around so much when you talk, and you’re pretty much known for being the busty blond who is too stupid to know what Chicken of the Sea is.

You say your stupidness is just an act, which I honestly find more offensive than if you were just a plain idiot.  I can understand if you’re a stupid woman…I mean you are from Texas…but it pretty insulting to all women when you say its an act.  It’s as if you are fully aware of how awful an entertainer you are, so you resort to making an ass out of yourself (and out of all women everywhere) in order to be famous.  Way to perpetuate the stereotype that women can’t make it on smarts alone.

And don’t think for one minute that I am one of those fat, stuffy, jealous types that only say bad things about you in order to stifle my own insecurities.  I am a very good looking woman.  In fact, I may be that rare type that can get away with being hot and smart.  So even though I don’t have your millions of dollars or your celebrity status or your steady rotation of hot, young men, at least I know what a fucking can of tuna is.

Get a clue.

ErnieBot

A letter to Steve Brule

Dear Dr Brule,

I must admit, I’ve been pretty scroogey lately with my letters, seeing as how its that time of the year when I begin  to feel assulted by mass commercialism and religious zealots and it makes me a bit defensive.  So in order to add a bit comedic relief to my rants, I’ve decided to write you in order to sing you my praises.

I saw the new episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job on my TiVo last night and I must say, you really are the highlight of the show.  I’m hoping that the good fine folks at Cartoon Networks Adult Swim division will give you your own spin off show.  You’ve been so informative, giving me advice on fashion, a healthy diet, and now self defense.  You’re absolutely brilliant.

I’m going to leave with some clips, I know many of my readers have yet to experience your insightful segments.

Thank you for the good hearty laugh, Dr. Brule.  I can’t wait for your next segment!

ErnieBot

LAST RESORT FIGHTING:

FRUITS AND VEGETABLES

DIGESTION PROBLEMS

BRULE’S RULES

A letter to the Christians

Dear Christians,

Please stop making videos like this:

The women in my family get a hold of things like this and suddenly, my inbox is bombarded with these hypocritical, contradictory messages and, as an atheist, it’s getting to be pretty damn annoying.

OK, I get it, you love God.  It’s blasphemous that anyone in this country…a country founded on the freedom of religion…should be offended by having Christ shoved down their throats for two months out of the year.

It’s not even the fact that your celebrating a birth that, in my humble opinion, never even happened.  If you want to worship Christ, then by all means do it.  If you insist on saying Merry Christmas, I DON’T CARE!  Really.  I can’t stand this fucking holiday because from Halloween  until the end of December, I am being bombarded by these commercials and adverts and the notion that for one day out of the year (well, 8 if your a Jew) you need to spend spend spend spend spend and then spend just a bit more.

Exactly where did Jesus say “And for 30 days and 30 night leading to the anniversary of my birth, ye shall accumulate many debts.  If ye truly loves ones spouse, then ye shall buy that spouse a Lexus.  And ye offspring shall be showered with many frivolous gifts which will be soon forgotten.  This is the way of the lord….”

If you’re going to be that damn gung-ho about your religion, then maybe you should take those thousands of dollars you’re planning on spending on friends and families and donate it to a charity or a soup kitchen or give it to that homeless guy who is always sitting at your bus stop.

Because thats what Jesus would do.

ErnieBot

PS-Happy Fucking Holidays