A letter to Bret Easton Ellis

Dear Mr Ellis,

When are you going to let Hollywood stop butchering your books into movies?

I just read that “The Informers” is being made into a movie starring Billy Bob Thorton.  I can’t help but think of what a mess they’re going to turn that into.

I love your books.  I hate the chopped up hack versions that they get turned into once made into a movie however.  (Less Than Zero made me lose my lunch just a little bit.  Who’s idea was is to take three character names and re-write the ENTIRE fucking book? Lame)

But I guess I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe it’ll turn out OK.

Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed!

ErnieBot

A letter to Jamie Lynn Spears

Dear Jamie Lynn Spears,

Congrats.  You are now officially on the fast track to out-trashing your older sister!

I can understand your need to step out from under her shadow….I too am the younger sister to a talented older sibling.  OK, so in my case its an older brother who was just a little too good at sports and became a bit of a local celebrity….not hard when you live in a small town.  You on the other hand have to deal with an international superstar sister who got by on tits and ass and not on talent.  Regardless, there are about 900 other ways you can make a name for yourself.  I think you were on the right track, having your own Nickelodeon show and all.  You REALLY didn’t have to go get knocked up.  Remember, just because everyone else in Hollywood is popping out children doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.  Babies are more than just a trend, sweetheart.

ErnieBot

A letter to Disney

Dear Disney,

Why does everything you do wind up “on ice?”

I’m watching my local morning news and they’re “girl on the go” reporter is interviewing cast and crew members of “High School Musical ON ICE!”

I know there’s a ton of hub-bub surrounding these damned movies, but really? Does it translate that well to the ice?

PLEASE stop this! Enough is enough!

ErnieBot

A letter to the Writers of CSI

Dear Currently Striking CSI Writers,

I just saw your newest episode of CSI:NY and I must say, I am very disappointed with you ability to hook your viewers on an emotional level.

Now, I’ll admit that I only watch the New York show, mainly because the men are a lot more attractive on New York as opposed to the Las Vegas of Miami shows.  I’ve been lusting for Gary Sinise since he played Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump and he was the motivating factor into getting me to watch your show.  I know Miami is technically a lot more entertaining, what with David Caruso and his fabulously snappy one-liner deliveries, but the rest of the cast annoys me.  Same with the original CSI.   I feel like punching that Marg Hamburger, or whatever her name is, in the face when watching Vegas.

But I digress.

So you have building up this story line involving Mac (Sinise) and some mysterious stalker, and honestly, I really could have cared less about who it was.  This past episode wrapped everything up in a neat little package and sent us on our way.  I think I was more entertained by the fact that poor Stella just can’t get a break when it comes to the men in her life.  Last season she was nearly murdered by her boyfriend, and then this season, you pair her up with an ex-Dawson Creeker who showers her with gifts and adoration, only to find that he was doing so in order to bait her boss into some elaborate set-up.  Are you going to turn her into a lesbian for the second half of the season?  Because I know if I kept running into these kinds of fucked up relationships with men, I’d definitely be considering switching teams.

I must give you some credit, however.  This season’s big mystery was definitely more intriguing (Albeit, not by much) than the lousy job you did last year regarding Lindsey’s past and the “will the or won’t they” tension between her and Danny.  (A topic I see you haven’t even touched in this current season.  Are we to believe that they are still fucking?  Because the chemistry is just not there)

Why don’t you just stick to the snappy puns and straight forward crime solving.  This futile attempt at trying to create back stories for your characters is really quite annoying.  Unless it’s going to involve Eddie Cahill’s character.  Any excuse to give that yummy piece of meat more screen time is OK with me.

Thank you,

ErnieBot

A letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,

We all know that you have ultimate mind control powers over every middle aged housewife in the world.

Now will you STOP IT!!!!!

I know it’s scary, but can we let them think for themselves for a little while, just to see what happens?  I know they’re not of my ilk, but I like to believe that they would know a good book when they see one.

Thank you,

ErnieBot

A letter to Tim and Eric: Part Deux

Dear Time and Eric,

What the fuck happened to your show?

Season two is seriously weird, and not in that Tim-And-Eric sort of way.

I don’t get it.  Maybe you could bring it down just a bit?

Thank you,

ErnieBot

A letter to All Hollywood Writers

Dear Hollywood Writers,

I know you are all currently on strike, and I commend you for standing up for what you believe is fair.  I must admit that I am blissfully ignorant on this topic.  I have no clue what your striking for, all I’m aware of is that I’m now being forced to watch reruns for God knows how long and I guess thats OK…for now.

Anyways, I am hoping that you use this time in order to dream up some new concepts for TV and movies.  After all, you guys are paid for being writers, right?  maybe now you can come up with some original plot lines, instead of ripping each other off.  (Yes, I am directing this at you, Law and Order-CSI-Criminal Minds writers)

It’s all getting to be a bit redundant.

Good luck with your strike.  I hope you come to a conclusion soon, because I’m going to be seriously upset if “Lost” gets pushed back any further.  It’s bad enough that I’m being made to wait until February anyways….

Thank you,

ErnieBot

A letter to Martin Scorsese

Dear Mr Scorsese,

So, I finally got around to watching the Departed and I wanted to share with you my thoughts.

First off, I thought the premise was great. I was distracted by the pretty lights of my lappy, but I still managed to follow along with the twisted “who did what?” plot line. I can get confused by a Sipmsons episode, so I commend you on being able to keep my thought process in line.

The only real problem I had with the story was the “everyone shoots everyone” conclusion you come to at the end. When Quentin Tarantino did it in Reservoir Dogs I bought it. It made sense to me that a bunch of criminals would wind up shooting each other in a twisted mexican stand-off. However, I just didn’t care for the fact that Marky Mark Wahlberg wound up as the only man standing. I felt like the end fell flat, like you had some loose ends to tie up and you just threw some crap down on the manuscript. I can understand. I tried to write a novel and got so irritated by my characters that I wound up killing them all.

But I digress.

So to recap: plot-A, smokin’ hot use of a disgruntled and angry Leo-A++, everyone dies-D, Alec Baldwin AND Matt Damon in the same movie-A+D…..I’m still torn on that last one.

Thank you for your time,

ErnieBot

A letter to All Hipsters

Dear Hipsters, the world wide,

Let’s get one thing straight: I am not one of you.  Period.  I never will be.  Here are the following reasons why.  Please take notes…

1. I can say, completely unironically and with a straight face, that I love bad 80’s music.  Keep your damn Sufjan Stevens, I’d much rather hang out with Steve Perry.

2. I have never spent more than $50 at Urban Outfitters.

3. I have only two (hidden) tattoos.  I lost all my piercings about 4 years ago, minus the ill-fated lip ring I got back in June and then wound up removing 3 months later.

4. I have no intention of trying to make a living with my “art.” It’s a hobby.  If I manage to make a few bucks off of it in the meantime, well, thats awesome but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Now I know you’re saying to yourself “Wait, isn’t this the same girl who owns a macbook and dresses like a 16 year old indie girls closet fell on top of her head?” and I would reply to that with a resounding YES!  It is true that I read stereogum.  I’ve attended an Of Montreal concert.  I waste countless hours in front of my TV with my macbook on my lap, switching between writing ridiculous blogs and watching the newest Adult Swim cartoons on my TiVo.  I have, in all seriousness, worn a mini skirt with leggings. I know at first glance I could be mistaken for a hipster chick, only I am not “cool” enough to be part of your club.  I love (not in an ironic way either, mind you) too much nerdy and lame crap to ever be a hipster.

So, I hope that has cleared a few things up for you all.

Thank you and goodnight!

ErnieBot

A letter to a Craigslist Personal Ad Poster

Dear Mr. Craiglist Personal Ad Poster,

Let me get one thing straight.  I do not troll Craigslist looking for a date, I am happily involved with a man and have no desire to leave him.  No, I troll Craigslist personal ads for one reason and one reason only.  Laughs.  So I want to congratulate you, Mr. Bored Of Being Single Age 20.  You made me laugh the hardest today.

I would like to offer a bit of advise to aid you in your search, however.  If looking for a bi-racial woman, I’d suggest asking for someone of mixed race, rather than a mulatto.  In my personal experience, I have found that most mixed women don’t like being called mulatto.  That’s not always the case, but sometimes being a little PC may get you further.

But, then again, you were asking for a melano, so I hope you find that perfect cookie.  (Pepridge farm does make a damned good cookie, if I do say so myself)

Good Luck,

ErnieBot