A letter to Free Credit Report.Com

Dear Ad Executives,

Whoever came up with the idea of this commercial is a fucking dick!

There’s a few glaringly obvious things wrong with this commercial. First of all, fucking up one credit card years ago does not automatically disqualify you for a home loan. With lenders being so eager to dish out home loans these days, I find it very hard to believe that it’s impossible to get a loan.

Second of all, if a house was that damn important to this guy, why didn’t he get a loan on his own and buy a house before he even met his “dream girl?” Oh, probably because he couldn’t afford the payments on a house with only his income?

It’s also incredibly insulting to a person like me (who will openly admit having credit issues in the past) to insinuate that a guys “dream girl” has flawless credit. I’m perfectly worthy of a man’s affection even though I still have some debt to straighten out, OK?

Obviously this ad was created by a group of masochistic assholes in power suits who drink $12 martinis on their lunch breaks.

Fuck off,

ErnieBot

A letter to “New York”

Dear Ms. New York,

So you chose Tailor Made. Of course you did…he’s the twat with the money.

I don’t want to watch your show. It’s really really awful. You do a damn good job of perpetuating the stereotype that women just want a man who will take care of them financially. You want someone who will buy you diamonds and shower you with fake adoration. I guess a TV dating show is the perfect place to find that.

Thing is, you have sucked me in with all you idiocity. I watched the damn show. I watched you continually choose sucker after sucker each week and in the end, you wind up with the spineless doof with the big bank account.

Let’s just see how long this one will last…..

ErnieBot

A letter to Old Navy

Dear Old Navy,

Please stop with the commercials!!!!!  Or at least find a different song for the pimping of your products.  Whoever who have wailing throughout those 20 second spots sound like a yodeling cat being castrated.

That warbling doesn’t make me want to buy metallic jeans and sweater boots….it makes me want to put my bare fist through the TV.

STOP IT!

ErnieBot

A letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Ms. Simpson,

You are incredibly irrelevant.  You sing crappy songs, you are an even crappier actress, I can’t understand why your head moves around so much when you talk, and you’re pretty much known for being the busty blond who is too stupid to know what Chicken of the Sea is.

You say your stupidness is just an act, which I honestly find more offensive than if you were just a plain idiot.  I can understand if you’re a stupid woman…I mean you are from Texas…but it pretty insulting to all women when you say its an act.  It’s as if you are fully aware of how awful an entertainer you are, so you resort to making an ass out of yourself (and out of all women everywhere) in order to be famous.  Way to perpetuate the stereotype that women can’t make it on smarts alone.

And don’t think for one minute that I am one of those fat, stuffy, jealous types that only say bad things about you in order to stifle my own insecurities.  I am a very good looking woman.  In fact, I may be that rare type that can get away with being hot and smart.  So even though I don’t have your millions of dollars or your celebrity status or your steady rotation of hot, young men, at least I know what a fucking can of tuna is.

Get a clue.

ErnieBot

A letter to the Christians

Dear Christians,

Please stop making videos like this:

The women in my family get a hold of things like this and suddenly, my inbox is bombarded with these hypocritical, contradictory messages and, as an atheist, it’s getting to be pretty damn annoying.

OK, I get it, you love God.  It’s blasphemous that anyone in this country…a country founded on the freedom of religion…should be offended by having Christ shoved down their throats for two months out of the year.

It’s not even the fact that your celebrating a birth that, in my humble opinion, never even happened.  If you want to worship Christ, then by all means do it.  If you insist on saying Merry Christmas, I DON’T CARE!  Really.  I can’t stand this fucking holiday because from Halloween  until the end of December, I am being bombarded by these commercials and adverts and the notion that for one day out of the year (well, 8 if your a Jew) you need to spend spend spend spend spend and then spend just a bit more.

Exactly where did Jesus say “And for 30 days and 30 night leading to the anniversary of my birth, ye shall accumulate many debts.  If ye truly loves ones spouse, then ye shall buy that spouse a Lexus.  And ye offspring shall be showered with many frivolous gifts which will be soon forgotten.  This is the way of the lord….”

If you’re going to be that damn gung-ho about your religion, then maybe you should take those thousands of dollars you’re planning on spending on friends and families and donate it to a charity or a soup kitchen or give it to that homeless guy who is always sitting at your bus stop.

Because thats what Jesus would do.

ErnieBot

PS-Happy Fucking Holidays

A letter to the Local Fox Affiliate

Dear Local Fox Affiliate,

You must be blind to you hypocracies, huh?

This morning I was berated with your “Fox Goes Green,” or whatever that annoying stab at Eco-Conservatism is, and you follow up your story (about how married couples are better for the environment….good one) with picture after picture of stupid Griswald wannabes and their neon glo-in-the-dark houses that they’ve decked out for the holidays.

I guess conserving energy is good, with the exception of that month long period out of the year when you can coat your house with lights and let them run all night long.

Yet another example of greedy fat Americans gobbling up everything they can get their hands on.

ErnieBot

A letter to Commentors to Katherine Kersten

Dear Blog Commentors,

Everyday I read Katherine Kersten’s blog on the Minneapolis Star Tribune and everyday, I appalled at the outrageous lengths some of you go to in order to make a very ridiculous point.

I personally think that Ms Kersten is a lousy journalist and bases her articles on out of context quotes taken from some sometimes not very reliable sources.  It’s no secret that I do not share the same political beliefs as her, but I refuse to resort to the tactics that some of you use when making a point.

I’m not taking sides here and pointing the finger at any one “political” side.  Righties and lefties alike, I’d say at least half of you act like raging morons, stooping to 4th grade playground name calling in order to make someone feel bad.

It’s really disgusting.

ErnieBot

A letter to Carson Daly

Dear Mr. Daly,

You are not funny.  You are not entertaining.  There’s a reason why your show is aired at 12:30 in the morning.

Just how many frat boys do you have writing your fart and boob jokes anyways?  Aren’t they supposed to be on strike or something?

Oh yeah, and could you go home and eat a hamburger or something?  You look absolutely disgusting.  Like a pencil neck.

Thank you for your time,

ErnieBot

a letter to that Jackass on The Tyra Show

Dear Mr. Jackass,

Thank you for fulfilling the stereotype that white American men are fucking idiots.  You sit on the stage and call a heavier set black woman “Big Bertha” and then follow up your comment with your explanation that “black women have a tendency to let themselves go.  Maybe it’s because they can’t afford decent food.”

You, my friend, are a dumb ass.

But you’re not alone.  I’m watching the next segment as I type this and I think Tyra has compiled a panel of raging morons.  Right now the “angry black man” is bitching to the “ignorant white guy” about his perception of black women.

This whole thing is so damned stupid.  Ah forget it.  All Tyra is doing is using this as an excuse to get women all riled up and angry at all men and their judgments.  Everyone has a preference.  Everyone has different tastes.  I don’t like red headed freckled boys.  I guess that makes me a bad person somehow?

So, maybe I shouldn’t be ragging on you, Mr. Jackass on the Tyra Show.  Maybe I should be bitching at Tyra.

It still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a racists ass.

ErnieBot

A letter to IFC

Dear IFC,

What the fuck happened here?

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and I’m trying to catch up on old episodes of the Henry Rollins Show that you are airing at 4 in the afternoon and there are some obviously different things going on here.

1. Where the hell did those commercial breaks come from?  I remember watching this show not too long ago and I could watch 20 straight minutes of Henry Rollins with a few movie trailers and updates on what’s coming up on IFC left for after the show.  Now I’m stuck watching advertisements for Subway, Old Navy, Wii, Guitar Hero and so on every 5 minutes.

2. Why is this show being censored?  Are you censoring the movies you play too?

3.  Please take off the fucking advertisements in the upper right hand corner of the screen.  I’m trying to watch Henry’s interview with the Stooges and that poor guy on the right gets, literally, no face time because you keep playing  an ad for “10 videos that rocked the world” or whatever that lame countdown is, and when you take that away, you fill the spot with a turkey bearing Henry Rollins face.  It’s weird.

You know, I dealt with the Target sponsored film fest that you would air, I dealt with the trailers for movies that only get aired in shoddy Uptown theaters and I have no interest in ever seeing, but this is ridiculous.  Really.  You’re the Independent Film Channel.  Why the over abundance of corporate sponsorship?

ErnieBot.

PS-Please disregard this letter.  Turns out I was watching the FUSE network.  My apologies.