ErnieBot is temporarily shut down.

I will leave the blog up for sheer shits and giggles, knowing that some of the things I’ve written in such a short time where entertaining for a few of you out there.

In the meantime, you can check out the new Pinky Cloudkicker 

Dear Mr Sullivan,

Thank you so very very much for bringing us the beautiful gem known as Kelly. I too love shoes so I can relate all too well. Please continue to give me more!

Thanks,

ErnieBot

Dear Mr Ellis,

When are you going to let Hollywood stop butchering your books into movies?

I just read that “The Informers” is being made into a movie starring Billy Bob Thorton.  I can’t help but think of what a mess they’re going to turn that into.

I love your books.  I hate the chopped up hack versions that they get turned into once made into a movie however.  (Less Than Zero made me lose my lunch just a little bit.  Who’s idea was is to take three character names and re-write the ENTIRE fucking book? Lame)

But I guess I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe it’ll turn out OK.

Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed!

ErnieBot

Dear Ad Executives,

Whoever came up with the idea of this commercial is a fucking dick!

There’s a few glaringly obvious things wrong with this commercial. First of all, fucking up one credit card years ago does not automatically disqualify you for a home loan. With lenders being so eager to dish out home loans these days, I find it very hard to believe that it’s impossible to get a loan.

Second of all, if a house was that damn important to this guy, why didn’t he get a loan on his own and buy a house before he even met his “dream girl?” Oh, probably because he couldn’t afford the payments on a house with only his income?

It’s also incredibly insulting to a person like me (who will openly admit having credit issues in the past) to insinuate that a guys “dream girl” has flawless credit. I’m perfectly worthy of a man’s affection even though I still have some debt to straighten out, OK?

Obviously this ad was created by a group of masochistic assholes in power suits who drink $12 martinis on their lunch breaks.

Fuck off,

ErnieBot

Dear Jamie Lynn Spears,

Congrats.  You are now officially on the fast track to out-trashing your older sister!

I can understand your need to step out from under her shadow….I too am the younger sister to a talented older sibling.  OK, so in my case its an older brother who was just a little too good at sports and became a bit of a local celebrity….not hard when you live in a small town.  You on the other hand have to deal with an international superstar sister who got by on tits and ass and not on talent.  Regardless, there are about 900 other ways you can make a name for yourself.  I think you were on the right track, having your own Nickelodeon show and all.  You REALLY didn’t have to go get knocked up.  Remember, just because everyone else in Hollywood is popping out children doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.  Babies are more than just a trend, sweetheart.

ErnieBot

Dear Ms. New York,

So you chose Tailor Made. Of course you did…he’s the twat with the money.

I don’t want to watch your show. It’s really really awful. You do a damn good job of perpetuating the stereotype that women just want a man who will take care of them financially. You want someone who will buy you diamonds and shower you with fake adoration. I guess a TV dating show is the perfect place to find that.

Thing is, you have sucked me in with all you idiocity. I watched the damn show. I watched you continually choose sucker after sucker each week and in the end, you wind up with the spineless doof with the big bank account.

Let’s just see how long this one will last…..

ErnieBot

Dear Rolling Stone Magazine,

I just finished reading your top 100 songs of 2007 and I have to tell ya, that list sucks.

Yes, I understand, you have to cater to the hipster, the R & B-ers, the hip hop fanatics and the old people that used to read your magazine back in the day when it was good, but really?  Holloweenhead by Ryan Adams made your list?  Every song on that whole album is better than that one song.  Definitely NOT the highlight of his new album.  And I would’ve definitely gone with a different Wilco song.

But really, I’m just one girl, with one opinion.  You are a collective team of shit eating hipsters in ratty ironic t shirts and intentionally greasy hair that sit around and fling musical references at each other in a failed attempt to prove your indie cred.

ErnieBot

Dear Disney,

Why does everything you do wind up “on ice?”

I’m watching my local morning news and they’re “girl on the go” reporter is interviewing cast and crew members of “High School Musical ON ICE!”

I know there’s a ton of hub-bub surrounding these damned movies, but really? Does it translate that well to the ice?

PLEASE stop this! Enough is enough!

ErnieBot

Dear Creative Team Behind the Genius that is the Clapper,

So, over the years you have developed various forms of your original Clapper product.  Now I’m recently seeing ads for your new Clapper Plus, which comes with a remote control.

OK, I understand the need for a remote…if your sitting down, feeding your baby like that uber-bitch in your commercial, then you may want to use the remote.  But my question for you is: why on earth would you want a remote to stick on your wall, much like the teenager in your ad does.

Isn’t a remote mounted on the wall pretty much the same thing as a light switch?

ErnieBot

Dear Readers,

As you can see, I haven’t been keeping up to date on my blogs and I just want to take this time to apologize for being so neglectful.  I find that during the month of December, I tend to get very nasty and mean about everything, mainly because i have a real problem with the holidays and it causes me to be a bitch about everything.   I hate writing letter after letter after letter geared towards my disgust for whatever celebrity and/ or pop culture item has pissed me off that day.

So I’ve let the posts wain a bit and I am sorry for that.

I have been working on moving ErnieBot over to a blogger blog so I can keep all my blogs under wraps.  (You can also check out my personal blog at www.erinsteen.com)  I’m still a bit torn about moving it since wordpress is a fantastic host for my blog, however I do love the features I can get with a blogspot blog, so I’m going to pretty much just copy ErnieBot over and try it out for a little bit before I decide if I want to move over there permanently.

In the meantime however, you can still catch my tyrannical rants here…I’m not ditching you yet!

I love each and every one of my silly readers!  Thank you for all your support!

ErnieBot