Dear Old Navy,
Please stop with the commercials!!!!! Or at least find a different song for the pimping of your products. Whoever who have wailing throughout those 20 second spots sound like a yodeling cat being castrated.
That warbling doesn’t make me want to buy metallic jeans and sweater boots….it makes me want to put my bare fist through the TV.
STOP IT!
ErnieBot
Dear Ms. Simpson,
You are incredibly irrelevant. You sing crappy songs, you are an even crappier actress, I can’t understand why your head moves around so much when you talk, and you’re pretty much known for being the busty blond who is too stupid to know what Chicken of the Sea is.
You say your stupidness is just an act, which I honestly find more offensive than if you were just a plain idiot. I can understand if you’re a stupid woman…I mean you are from Texas…but it pretty insulting to all women when you say its an act. It’s as if you are fully aware of how awful an entertainer you are, so you resort to making an ass out of yourself (and out of all women everywhere) in order to be famous. Way to perpetuate the stereotype that women can’t make it on smarts alone.
And don’t think for one minute that I am one of those fat, stuffy, jealous types that only say bad things about you in order to stifle my own insecurities. I am a very good looking woman. In fact, I may be that rare type that can get away with being hot and smart. So even though I don’t have your millions of dollars or your celebrity status or your steady rotation of hot, young men, at least I know what a fucking can of tuna is.
Get a clue.
ErnieBot
Dear Dr Brule,
I must admit, I’ve been pretty scroogey lately with my letters, seeing as how its that time of the year when I begin to feel assulted by mass commercialism and religious zealots and it makes me a bit defensive. So in order to add a bit comedic relief to my rants, I’ve decided to write you in order to sing you my praises.
I saw the new episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job on my TiVo last night and I must say, you really are the highlight of the show. I’m hoping that the good fine folks at Cartoon Networks Adult Swim division will give you your own spin off show. You’ve been so informative, giving me advice on fashion, a healthy diet, and now self defense. You’re absolutely brilliant.
I’m going to leave with some clips, I know many of my readers have yet to experience your insightful segments.
Thank you for the good hearty laugh, Dr. Brule. I can’t wait for your next segment!
ErnieBot
LAST RESORT FIGHTING:
FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
DIGESTION PROBLEMS
BRULE’S RULES
Dear Christians,
Please stop making videos like this:
The women in my family get a hold of things like this and suddenly, my inbox is bombarded with these hypocritical, contradictory messages and, as an atheist, it’s getting to be pretty damn annoying.
OK, I get it, you love God. It’s blasphemous that anyone in this country…a country founded on the freedom of religion…should be offended by having Christ shoved down their throats for two months out of the year.
It’s not even the fact that your celebrating a birth that, in my humble opinion, never even happened. If you want to worship Christ, then by all means do it. If you insist on saying Merry Christmas, I DON’T CARE! Really. I can’t stand this fucking holiday because from Halloween until the end of December, I am being bombarded by these commercials and adverts and the notion that for one day out of the year (well, 8 if your a Jew) you need to spend spend spend spend spend and then spend just a bit more.
Exactly where did Jesus say “And for 30 days and 30 night leading to the anniversary of my birth, ye shall accumulate many debts. If ye truly loves ones spouse, then ye shall buy that spouse a Lexus. And ye offspring shall be showered with many frivolous gifts which will be soon forgotten. This is the way of the lord….”
If you’re going to be that damn gung-ho about your religion, then maybe you should take those thousands of dollars you’re planning on spending on friends and families and donate it to a charity or a soup kitchen or give it to that homeless guy who is always sitting at your bus stop.
Because thats what Jesus would do.
ErnieBot
PS-Happy Fucking Holidays
Dear Local Fox Affiliate,
You must be blind to you hypocracies, huh?
This morning I was berated with your “Fox Goes Green,” or whatever that annoying stab at Eco-Conservatism is, and you follow up your story (about how married couples are better for the environment….good one) with picture after picture of stupid Griswald wannabes and their neon glo-in-the-dark houses that they’ve decked out for the holidays.
I guess conserving energy is good, with the exception of that month long period out of the year when you can coat your house with lights and let them run all night long.
Yet another example of greedy fat Americans gobbling up everything they can get their hands on.
ErnieBot
Dear Blog Commentors,
Everyday I read Katherine Kersten’s blog on the Minneapolis Star Tribune and everyday, I appalled at the outrageous lengths some of you go to in order to make a very ridiculous point.
I personally think that Ms Kersten is a lousy journalist and bases her articles on out of context quotes taken from some sometimes not very reliable sources. It’s no secret that I do not share the same political beliefs as her, but I refuse to resort to the tactics that some of you use when making a point.
I’m not taking sides here and pointing the finger at any one “political” side. Righties and lefties alike, I’d say at least half of you act like raging morons, stooping to 4th grade playground name calling in order to make someone feel bad.
It’s really disgusting.
ErnieBot
Dear Currently Striking CSI Writers,
I just saw your newest episode of CSI:NY and I must say, I am very disappointed with you ability to hook your viewers on an emotional level.
Now, I’ll admit that I only watch the New York show, mainly because the men are a lot more attractive on New York as opposed to the Las Vegas of Miami shows. I’ve been lusting for Gary Sinise since he played Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump and he was the motivating factor into getting me to watch your show. I know Miami is technically a lot more entertaining, what with David Caruso and his fabulously snappy one-liner deliveries, but the rest of the cast annoys me. Same with the original CSI. I feel like punching that Marg Hamburger, or whatever her name is, in the face when watching Vegas.
But I digress.
So you have building up this story line involving Mac (Sinise) and some mysterious stalker, and honestly, I really could have cared less about who it was. This past episode wrapped everything up in a neat little package and sent us on our way. I think I was more entertained by the fact that poor Stella just can’t get a break when it comes to the men in her life. Last season she was nearly murdered by her boyfriend, and then this season, you pair her up with an ex-Dawson Creeker who showers her with gifts and adoration, only to find that he was doing so in order to bait her boss into some elaborate set-up. Are you going to turn her into a lesbian for the second half of the season? Because I know if I kept running into these kinds of fucked up relationships with men, I’d definitely be considering switching teams.
I must give you some credit, however. This season’s big mystery was definitely more intriguing (Albeit, not by much) than the lousy job you did last year regarding Lindsey’s past and the “will the or won’t they” tension between her and Danny. (A topic I see you haven’t even touched in this current season. Are we to believe that they are still fucking? Because the chemistry is just not there)
Why don’t you just stick to the snappy puns and straight forward crime solving. This futile attempt at trying to create back stories for your characters is really quite annoying. Unless it’s going to involve Eddie Cahill’s character. Any excuse to give that yummy piece of meat more screen time is OK with me.
Thank you,
ErnieBot
Dear bloggers,
It’s Nov 30th. You know what that means don’t you? National Blog Posting Month is now nearly over! I hope all of you had a great time blogging this month.
On my last post of the month, I’ll leave you with a deliciously fancy new video by the White Stripes.
On to December!
ErnieBot
Dear Oprah,
We all know that you have ultimate mind control powers over every middle aged housewife in the world.
Now will you STOP IT!!!!!
I know it’s scary, but can we let them think for themselves for a little while, just to see what happens? I know they’re not of my ilk, but I like to believe that they would know a good book when they see one.
Thank you,
ErnieBot
Dear Band of Horses,
Your new album rocks my socks off.
I just wanted you to know that.
Keep up the great work!
ErnieBot
